AI Airlines

Calm, methodical, actually read the manual. Keeps saying "we should probably not crash" while everyone else argues about how fast to go.

Had the map first, convinced everyone they knew the route, but keeps recalculating mid-flight. Currently steering toward a mountain, which they've described as "a more aggressive altitude strategy." Sam is on the intercom. He is always on the intercom.

Doesn't actually know how to fly — just bought the seat. Everything in the cockpit now says "Copilot." The windshield. The throttle. The barf bag. Please do not be alarmed. This is by design.

Built half the plane's engine 10 years ago but keeps coming to the cockpit saying "I could fly this thing if I wanted to" and then tripping over the drink cart.

Open-sourced the emergency exit instructions and is now loudly telling everyone he's the reason flying is possible.

The drunk guy who bought his ticket with crypto, keeps livestreaming the flight to his 200 million followers, and just asked the pilot if the plane is "woke." Built his own tray table out of spite. It's worse than the regular tray table but he insists it's "the most entertaining tray table ever made."

Bought a first-class ticket two years ago and has been sitting there silently the entire flight. "We integrated the seatbelt." It clicks 40% better though, you have to admit.

Isn't on the plane. Nvidia IS the plane. Also the runway. Also the fuel. Jensen is on the tarmac in a leather jacket whispering "you're welcome" to every aircraft that takes off.

Always in Nvidia's shadow. Lisa Su was here at 5 AM. She checked both engines. Nobody thanked her. She is used to this.

Doesn't fly the plane, doesn't navigate, doesn't even serve drinks — but takes a cut of every single ticket. Quietly the richest entity on the flight.

Showed up with a carry-on half the size of everyone else's but it somehow fits more. Keeps muttering "Americans overpack" while drinking wine at cruising altitude.

Was loudly telling everyone they'd be flying the plane by now. Currently in a middle seat in economy asking if anyone has a phone charger.

Answers every question before you finish asking it, and is somehow always right, but keeps getting sued by the airline magazine for reading their articles out loud.

Running an open bar in the back of the plane. Everyone's welcome. It's chaotic. Someone uploaded a model that generates turbulence. Nobody's in charge but somehow it works.

Fell asleep in the cargo hold somewhere over the Pacific. Nobody noticed until the luggage started getting suspiciously good benchmark scores.

You're not allowed to look at it. No one is allowed to look at it. OpenAI says theirs fell out of the plane. We have no further comment.

Showed up to the gate after the plane already took off. Currently drafting a 400-page document about seatbelt policy for a plane doing Mach 2. The EU version is available in 24 languages.